Interpersonal Skills
A growing library of interpersonal functioning skills. Everything here is free to read — no account needed.
Module 01
DBT Interpersonal Effectiveness — DEAR MAN
DEAR = What
The DEAR skills describe what you say in the conversation.
MAN = How
The MAN skills describe how you approach and conduct the conversation.
DEAR
What you say
Describe
Describe the situation objectively, without unnecessary judgment or interpretation.
“The last three times we planned dinner, the plan changed the same afternoon.”
Express
Express your feelings, opinions, or perspective clearly.
“When that happens I feel disappointed, and a little unimportant.”
Assert
Ask for what you want, or say no, clearly.
“I’d like us to decide by the morning and keep it unless something urgent comes up.”
Reinforce
Explain or identify positive consequences of the desired outcome.
“If we do that, I stop bracing for a change and I actually look forward to it.”
MAN
How you approach it
Mindful
Stay focused on the goal rather than getting pulled into distractions, arguments, or side issues.
Gently return: “I’d still like to agree on how we plan dinner.”
Appear Confident
Communicate with confidence rather than excessive apologizing, passivity, or aggression.
Steady voice, eye contact, no “sorry, this is probably stupid, but…”
Negotiate
Look for alternatives, compromises, and mutually workable solutions when appropriate.
“If mornings don’t work, would a text by lunchtime be doable?”
Four ways of asking
DEAR MAN is a way of being assertive. It helps to be able to tell assertiveness apart from its neighbours.
Passive
Your needs stay hidden. You give in, go quiet, or hope the other person guesses.
“It’s fine, whatever you want.” (while resenting it)
Aggressive
Your needs are stated at the other person’s expense — blame, threats, contempt, volume.
“You never think about anyone but yourself.”
Passive-aggressive
The need is expressed indirectly — sarcasm, silence, sighing, quiet withdrawal or payback.
“No, I’m not upset.” (then cold for two days)
Assertive
Your needs and the other person’s dignity both stay intact. Clear, specific, respectful.
“I felt let down when the plan changed. Can we decide by morning?”
Practice scenarios
Pick the response you’d be most likely to give, then see which style it reflects — and whether the challenge is the what or the how.
A friend has cancelled on you three weekends in a row. You want to say something without a fight.
Your manager asks you to take on a fourth project this week. You need to say no.
Mid-conversation, your partner brings up an unrelated argument from last month.
More modules coming